| It's hard to believe that it's been over a year since I've been on xanga. So much has happened since then, yet it seems like I've purposefully haven't visited the once mind spilling diary of the internet. Life is difficult, learning lessons through pain. Since the dawn of the addiction of Facebook, where everything is simply taken care of by a "satus update" in such few words that all my thoughts seem to dissapate. Until now. Ever since last June I've lived with a good friend named Jenny. She's like a sister to me in so many ways, yet I never dare say that to her face. We've fought just like we were related over stupid little things, but we've stuck together long enough for emotional attachments. Last October, we found out that she was pregnant through a "lets just take a pregnancy test for the fun of it, because my mom did" ordeal. Sure enough, at the time, to her horror and mine, she was. We went to the doc in the box to confirm, and after two hours the nurse came in to tell us the result of the blood work, and the home pregnancy test hadn't lied. Everything seemed to stop and start there. She had to tell her ex-boyfriend, Chris, that she was pregnant, and after working out issues they had they got back together. At the time I wasn't happy about it, but now it doesn't bother me. Even before she was able to go to her first baby doctor appointment she was in the ER twice for unusual bleeding. They did ultrasounds and stuff, but said the baby was fine, that bleeding was not uncommon for first time pregnancies. She was still worried when we went to her first baby doctor visit at 7 weeks, and that where she had an ultrasound done, and the first time I laid my eyes on them. Yes them. There were two babies growing inside of her, at the time they looked like little peanuts. I fell in love. It was the first time I had ever witnessed for myself the beginning of life, and it amazes me still to this day the development that they go through. Over the following months I went to almost all of her doctors appointments with her, wanting to see the babies inside of her. My favorite, still to this day, is when they did the 3D ultrasound. You could see every detail of their faces, down to their cute little lips. I still remember almost peeing my pants from laughing so hard when one of the babies smaked the other one for being in his space. Two beautiful boys. The excitement for their arrival was almost unbearable for me. Even though I was overjoyed for Jen, I was extremely jealous of her, to the point where I almost hated her. It was an odd emotion for me. I care for Jen deeply and it was stupid of me to be mad at her for carrying the littl bundles of joy inside of her. I knew that my anger was being misplaced. I knew that the jealousy was spewing from my fear of not being able to carry my own children. My fear that my illness would kill them. Every time they kicked her or moved, I would feel a twing of pain in the empty part of my heart. I tried hard to suck it up, to be happy, and for the most part I was. We gushed over baby clothes, the idea of how they would be like, and every day I would tickle her belly saying, "Tickle the babies" over and over. I wanted them to get here, so I could hold them, play with them, help her take care of them. Living Vicariously would be an understatement. Then on the day that it snowed I was to meet Jen at Starbucks. I was running late and in the time she was waiting on me she slipped and fell on the ice. That was the beginning of the greatest worry. Even though she fell on her backside, I was scared that something bad was going to happen. The next day she lost alot of fluid and we went to the doctor. It was there that we found out that loosing the embrionic fluid was not due to the fall, rather her children had what they call "twin to twin transfusion". This basically is where one twin is getting more of the nuitrients than the other, and could be fatal. She started to go to a High Risk OB doctor in Charolettesville every two weeks and they monitored the twins growth. They were still growing at the same rate, though one still had lower embrionic fluid than the other one. He was the one we were worried the most about. He was the one that we thought might die. She was careful then to take it easy, not working so many hours at the Starbucks we work at, staying off her feet as much as possible, eating properly, everything. Though in the end none of it mattered. On March 23 Jen went to her appointment in Charolettesville without me because I had to work. It had been 3 days since she had last felt them really move and she had begun to worry that something was wrong. She was right. Chris Edwards, our boss, came to me while I was putting our order away in the back. He looked grim. My heart stopped as soon as the words were out of his mouth, "Jen's been trying to get ahold of you. She lost the babies." I remember stammering backwards hitting one of the shelvings really hard. It was everything I could do to stay on my feet. Then instinct clicked into place. I called her mom to find out what happened, and then Jen called me on the other line. She was having to drive back from Charolettesville to Virginia Baptist hospital, an hour and a half drive. Everything happened so fast, though to me I was stuck in a fog. Chris Edwards and Christy, a friend of another coworker; Lauren, were headed to meet Jen halfway. Lauren and Kristen worked to get the rest of my shift covered. It was around 3pm, Monday afternoon. I had only been at work since 1:30, I was suppose to work until 10pm. How they managed is still a mystery to me. Somehow I managed to make it back to our apartment, after calling Alex to let him know, and I stopped and told Rob, a good friend and maintence man at the Timbers. Then I grabbed a bag and put clothes and anything I put my hands on into the bag, not knowing what Jen would want or need. After that I headed to the hospital to wait for her phone call saying she was there. I waited 30 mins. When she called she was headed to the Birth Center. I was on the other side of the hospital so I had to drive around and find a parking spot. When I got up to the forth floor they wouldn't let me in to see her, saying the doctor was checking her in and someone would come get me when I could go back. 45 more mins passed before Chris, Jen's boyfriend, called me again asking if I was there. I told them they wouldn't let me back. I was in agony. All I wanted, no, all I needed was to be back there with her. It was Chris's mom that finally came and let me back. The next few days were a blur. I only left her side when she wanted me to go get coffee for her or when I needed to make "update" phone calls, or when I had to work. Every second away from her was hell. They were trying to induce labor instead of doing a C section, because it was healthier that way. To me, it was agony. Knowing she had her dead babies still inside of her. It was mortifying. March 25th they started her on a heavier inducing med and put her on the epidoral. The doctors and nurses said she should be delivering sometime that day. Even though I was somewhat relieved for her, I knew that this was going to be hard for all parties present. Somewhere around 6:15 or something like that, the nurse checked to see how far she had dialated. She had been a 6 for a while. The nurse didn't have to take long saying she felt something that she normally doesn't feel when she's checking and she went to get the doctor. I was on Jen's left side, sitting in a chair at the foot of the bed. All of a sudden her face went pale and she let out this blood curtalling scream. I was up out of my seat before the words "Go get the doctor!" were out of her mouth. I don't even know how I ran so fast down to the nurses station. Sure enough, Kevin Micheal had just slipped his way down the birth canal and was laying in between her legs. It was frightening. I stood on her right side, just above her knee, breathing with her. Trying to calm her down. She mouthed a question to me, and I smiled at her and answered. I knew it had been coming, that's why I was there to witness. It took several mins to calm her hysterics, and we cried, knowing that we would have to wait for one more. Rob had come just as Kevin was delivered, and Jen asked to see him, so I went to get him, he didn't stay long and I had to go make a phone call to Edwards and my mom. Soon after I returned alone, maybe an hour or so after Kevin came, she sent me to get the nurse and doctor. She knew what it was going to feel like when Aiden came. Again she was right. This time, when Aiden delivered, there was a waterfall of fluid that followed, soaking everything. but she didn't scream, not this time, she had her focus on Chis and myself. Who were breathing with her, so that she would watch our faces. I only looked away from her when Aiden came. I saw his perfect little face. He was beautiful, and somewhat scary, but I was prepared for what I thought a 27 week old baby would look like. Even though she hadn't seen Kevin, she did see Aiden when they removed him from the bed. I remember her cranning her neck to see over the nurses surrounding her. Chris looked too. Even though she had said before she didn't want to see them, in adaments, she had changed her mind. We still had to wait on the placenta to come, which didn't take long, and then they helped her clean up and soon would clean up the babies so that whoever wanted to see them could. Jen could sense my mood about wanting to get away from people for a while so she sent me to Starbucks to get her a Carmel Frappuccino. I had to laugh at her, but she hadn't been able to eat solid food for over 36 hours. I obliged and ran my errands and got out of the hospital for a while leaving Jen with Chris' family and Romona, Jen's mom, whom I had picked up from the airport just that morning. I still wonder if subconsiously her body was waiting for her mom to be there, and I'm nearly convinced that it was. I was gone for a little over an hour, but when I came back the room was set up for us to sleep, though I hadn't slept but three hours since monday and was more or less a walking zombie. I still didn't sleep that night. I lay on the hospital couch watching her, like I had every night that we had been there. She cried in her sleep as Chris lay on the bed with her, holding her close. I had never thought I would see him quieter than he was, but now it was a deafening silence. He only did things when Jen made him. I can see him hurting. The following week was a blur. I bought the Twilight saga to keep my mind active when I wasn't at work. I read all four books in four days. Anytime I would go to sleep I would have night terrors or nightmares. At work, they had put a sign up for Jen's benifit saying she had lost her twins and that there would be a funeral service on April 1st, that only family members (and close friends) would be attending. If I ever hated my job, it would be then, and now. As people ask for details on the subject matter. It was all I could do to contain myself from screaming at them, and I would just shake my head and walk to the back. People can be so stupid and insensitive at all the wrong times. The funeral service was held a week from the day the twins were delivered. It was nice enough, though I could help feel like it was somewhat fake. Like I was still living a nightmare. It's been 3 weeks and a day since we found out that the babies were gone. Though it feels like an eternity has passed. Jen's mom left on April 6th. Could that only have been a week ago? Time heals all wounds... sure it does... only after you've been increadibly numb for a long time. Each day drags on. It's painful. It hurts more than anything I can describe. And as for God... right now he doesn't exhist to me. I've heard enough of people saying "God knows what's best." If he did, why the hell would he have gotten our hopes up for nothing. Why would he put her through this? Why would he put everyone involved with her through this? I sure as hell am not running to his bosom with tears streaming down my face. After all the bad that has happened this year, other things that I would write about, I'm turning away and running the opposite direction. His arms only hold hurt and hell for me. I don't even feel like I can trust him anymore. How can you call a God loving when all he allows in one's life is pain. I'm no Job, I'm no saint, I'm just me. For right now, there is no God, and if there is, he has nothing to do with this world anymore. |
Haruko/Haruo: means "springtime child/man"
